it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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