I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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