I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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