I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
