seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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