it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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