Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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