Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
