I accidentally had phone sex last night
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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