i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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