I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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