i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
