i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
