just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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