4 words: hood of his car
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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