I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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