I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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