Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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