1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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