Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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