if only i could text you this smell
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
