so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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