I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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