I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
