I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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