Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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