I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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