i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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