Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.