Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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