This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
