The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Girls should come with a carfax report
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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