This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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