My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am one with the molecules
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
