Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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