This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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