just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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