this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
