Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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