got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
