Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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