i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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