New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She told me I should be a condom model.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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