She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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