Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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