Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize