I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
