There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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