I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
