Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
