If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
