I will die if light touches me.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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