I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
