Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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