My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
