I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
