Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
