After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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