Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
