Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
